Middle school can and should be a time when kids figure out some stuff about themselves; there’s no better time to “try on things for size” to see what fits. This includes clothing and hairstyles, activities, new friend groups, music, language (sorry, mom – I don’t like it either) and maybe even some worldly or political points of view that differ from those of their parents. Some of these will stick and some of them won’t…and that’s the point. Middle school is a great time for a young person to grow, learn, and discern with very few long-term consequences. It’s imperative that parents allow this path to unfold without freaking out since many of the choices that you may question are not going to stick anyway. But what do you do if you have a child who is unwilling to try new things?
I’d always heard that a toddler’s favorite word is “no” but based on what I’m seeing in my coaching practice and hearing from parents, “no” is also a tween/young teen go-to response. This can be super frustrating to the adults who know that to grow and gain confidence, a tween or teen needs to say “yes” to certain things, even if (especially if!) if makes them a little scared or intimidated.
I have several clients whose first reaction is NO about many things. Here are a few examples:
- What do you think about a sleep-away camp? NO
- Would you be interested in submitting an art piece to the school show? NO
- I love that you were invited to that new friend’s birthday party! Are you going? NO
- You said you want to earn money. What about applying for a job? NO
- I bet this friend drama could be resolved if you talked face-to-face. NO
When a tween or teen refuses to consider something, it’s usually out of fear: fear of being judged, fear of being rejected, or fear of being away from home. But the only way to build these muscles is to exercise them by taking the small steps and as parents, part of your job is helping them take those steps in a loving and supportive atmosphere. You know your child best. If he or she is not ready for a week-long sleep-away camp, encourage them to do sleepovers with friends or an overnight with a youth group of some kind. Help them put their art, music, or dance out there to people who praise and celebrate. Figure out a way to get them with new people in a way that works for them. She doesn’t want to stay for the whole party? Fine – maybe you both go for 30-minutes with the caveat that if she’s having fun, she can stay longer. Show him how to apply for a job and roleplay the interview questions with him. Work out scenarios for resolving friend drama before the drama happens and practice them.
My best advice? Don’t solve all their issues for them, solve them WITH them. Ask what they’d like to do. If you get nothing, give them three options and allow them to pick the one that works the best. Many times, getting started is the hardest part! I can tell you that the happiest kids in middle school are the ones who try new things, understand that they don’t have to be good at or even like everything they try, and feel supported in their choices (even if you’re rolling your eyes at their outfit and cringing every time they call you “bruh”).