The last few months have been challenging and eye-opening for me as a coach and as a human being. Like you, I’ve seen really disturbing public and political behavior (as well as societal trends) that upset and scare me…but they also cause me to examine the topics that I work on with teens and parents to figure out how I can help them communicate better, tune into themselves and each other more, and live happier, healthier lives.
In searching for answers, often my research leads me to more questions before I get a glimpse of the direction I should go. But what I’ve become more committed to lately is helping people understand that in order to love each other, be willing to have open dialogue, display empathy and compassion, and do good in the world, we have to first love ourselves.
I’m reading the writings of Louise Hay and yesterday’s takeaway seemed very timely to me. She said “The more we love ourselves, the less we project our pain into the world. When we stop judging ourselves, we naturally judge others less. As we love ourselves, we naturally love others more.” This can be so very hard for people of all ages to do and frankly, the digital age allows us to zone out and stare at other people’s lives so much that we start to think we have it bad or that we’re not as good as who we follow on Instagram. It causes us to be self-critical and judgmental. I learned years ago that when I’m feeling insecure, I look at others critically. Once I realized that, I was able to work to recognize and repair my tendencies. Comparison is not only the thief of joy but also a creator of resentment and division. We certainly don’t need more of that!
It is critical that we teach kids (and remind ourselves) that social media is not real, just because we believe something doesn’t mean it’s what someone else believes, and that differences of opinion don’t mean you can’t still be civil. We also have to remember that violence is never the answer.
How do we do this? We have to spend time together; listening, empathizing, learning from each other, and occasionally having an uncomfortable conversation. We’ve become a society of people that hits “block” very quickly, without seeking to resolve or understand. While I get that sometimes relationships come to an end or reach an impasse, I’ve found in my coaching practice that young people lack the ability to handle the tough or uncomfortable conversations; they’ve been given the impression that in life, when someone disagrees with you, they are wrong and have to be blocked. Don’t get me wrong – the block feature can and should be employed with certain things and people – but I’m finding my clients would rather block than ask a friend why they weren’t invited to the movies when someone else was! It’s crazy and it’s our job as adults to teach them how to communicate clearly and kindly.
I have two programs that allow participants to come together in community, something I’m convinced we need more of in this world. I have an online free book club for moms of tweens and teens as well as my C5 Program for Middle School Girls happening in person in Raleigh, NC. We may not be able to change the country immediately but I believe that how we take things back starts with us, connecting again as compassionate humans using good communication skills. I hope you’ll join me.