Lately, I’ve been thinking about how much practice it takes to become comfortable with other people and how few opportunities some kids have to get that practice.
We want our children to have friends. We arrange activities, sign them up for teams, organize playdates, and eventually send them off to college hoping they’ll find their people.
But somewhere along the way, we may be skipping a step: giving them enough room to learn how to connect without adults guiding. That learning starts early – probably earlier than you’d think.
In elementary school, so many peer interactions have an adult involved. Teachers manage the classroom. Coaches direct the team. Parents arrange the playdate, choose the time and place, and sometimes step in the moment there’s a disagreement.
There are good reasons for all of this. Children need supervision and support. But they also need chances to figure things out together: how to join a game, negotiate whose turn it is, handle being told no, or repair a hurt feeling. Those moments can be messy but they’re also where communication skills develop. If an adult always organizes the interaction or resolves the discomfort, children get fewer opportunities to discover that they can do it themselves.
Then comes middle school.
Just as friendships become more complicated and kids become more self-conscious, we hand many of them a phone, sometimes before they’re comfortable starting a conversation, inviting someone over, or speaking up when something bothers them.
The phone offers an easier route. They can edit a message, avoid an awkward pause, or retreat into scrolling when they don’t know what to say.
I understand the appeal; I’ve been known to scroll when I don’t want to engage with new people or I’m feeling uncomfortable! Face-to-face connection involves uncertainty and you can’t control someone else’s response. But becoming comfortable with that uncertainty takes practice, and a screen can make it easier to avoid practicing.
By high school, another layer enters the picture: competition.
Who made the team? Who got the leadership position? Who has the best grades, the most impressive activities, the college acceptance everyone wants? Ambition and goals aren’t inherently problematic. But when so much of a teenager’s world revolves around measuring and being measured, it can become harder to see peers as potential friends. They become people to compete with, compare themselves to, or worry about impressing.
We send these young adults to college, where we expect independence, connection, and a fresh start. What I’m seeing, though, are college students who want friends but don’t know how to begin. Students who struggle with roommates because they’ve had little practice addressing everyday friction directly. Students who look around and see everyone else as more successful, more confident, or already settled into a group.
And when they feel uncomfortable or lonely, they scroll. They stay in their rooms. They wait for an invitation. They avoid situations where they might feel temporarily awkward, thereby missing the repeated, ordinary interactions through which friendships often grow.
Of course, this isn’t every kid. On my recent trip to Italy, I saw plenty of college students studying abroad, exploring, and putting themselves into unfamiliar situations. There are young people taking those chances. But I’m concerned about the ones who aren’t, and about the assumption that social confidence will arrive automatically with age.
I hear “I have social anxiety” from so many young people. Social anxiety can be a real and significant challenge. However, I wonder how often that phrase also describes a lack of practice and the courage it takes to do something before we feel comfortable doing it. Feeling nervous about introducing yourself, inviting someone to lunch, or walking into a room alone doesn’t automatically mean you’re incapable of connecting. Sometimes it means you’re doing something unfamiliar. We need to help kids recognize that discomfort and learn that they can take a small step even while they feel it.
A big part of that practice is learning that a declined invitation or an unanswered message doesn’t have to derail you. It can sting, especially when reaching out took courage. But one person’s response isn’t a verdict on your worth or your ability to make friends.
Don’t take every “no” personally. When someone says they’re busy, can’t make it, or aren’t feeling well, they may mean exactly that! I see kids quickly assume that an explanation is a lie or an excuse to avoid them. We can help them pause before assuming the worst. Give people the benefit of the doubt, leave room for another invitation, and keep connecting with others. Friendship takes courage, a willingness to trust, and a level of resilience.
This is where I help.
I help young people turn “I don’t know how to make friends” into smaller, manageable steps: starting a conversation, showing interest, extending an invitation, and following up. We work on speaking directly with a roommate, navigating disagreement, and tolerating the awkwardness of being new.
I also help parents think about when support is useful and when stepping back gives their child a chance to grow. The goal is to help young people build the skills and confidence to participate in their own lives.
Friendship requires initiative, curiosity, and a willingness to be a little uncomfortable. Those are skills we can practice…and we can start wherever a young person is today.